4 Reasons American Culture Will Always Reject Soccer

Write-up by Ray Hartjen

The FIFA Globe Cup Last will take middle stage all around the planet on Sunday – last but not least. Now, I enjoy the Globe Cup. At least I want to. Genuinely. I dig “the gorgeous game” when nations are playing. I’ll wake up in the early early morning and look at any region – even North Korea – square off versus yet another. I’ll activate my vuvuzela app on my iPhone and root for the group with the coolest jerseys (I favor ones with vertical stripes and tiny collars).

As significantly as I enjoy the Globe Cup even though, I have to say – I hate soccer. Once again, I want to like it. Right after all, how can seven billion people all around the globe wrong about a thing?

Properly, soon after many hrs of dutiful research, I’ve arrive to the conclusion that they are incorrect about soccer. Dead wrong.

Each and every 4 many years, the speak across the United States is that this will be the year, last but not least, that the United States becomes a soccer country. Nope. It will never happen, for there are four basic causes why America culture will always reject soccer.

Reason #one: Play acting. For the really like of God, the sum of acting in a soccer match makes it a lot more theater than athletic contest. As if that’s not bad enough, we’re stuck with the truth the acting is horrible so undesirable that it helps make the acting in pornos look excellent. Players are addicted to the play acting. Get touched, or even close to becoming touched? Cease moving your feet, throw your arms up in the air, and fall down, as if shot by a sniper. Get hit in the leg? Fall down, grab your face, and feign mortal damage by re-enacting the death scene from Othello. Miss the objective by a mere 10 meters as your shot goes twenty rows into the stands? Flip to the cameras, raise your hands to heavens, and prepare for your super slow movement spot on TVs around the globe.

Ugh. I believed Charlton Heston was the master of overacting and “chewing the surroundings.” Turns out each prima donna in a No. 10 jersey has him beat.

Purpose #two: The stretcher. Actually, it’s aspect of the play acting, but is so egregious it deserves its personal callout. When you see a stretcher carried out on the field during an American football sport, or a hockey rink, or any other activity close to the planet for that issue, you can rest assured negative, poor things are heading on down there. Soccer? Not so significantly.

99% of the players carried off on a stretcher return to action in minutes. Apparently soccer trainers and medical professionals have invented a miracle healer that they have meticulously hidden in water bottles. A fast spray over the affected area – normally both the head or a single of the legs – and the player is up off the stretcher and signaling the referee that he desires to return to the pitch.

C’mon. Actually? Are you critical? Both you’re faking it and acting – once more, more poorly than a porn star – or your physician is hiding a miracle remedy from the entire globe, which signifies you’re all complete douches. Get your select – neither is very good.

In America, we really like heroes, specifically those who stand tall and proud, and persevere via all hurdles, which includes a small cleat mark. You know, John Wayne and all. As lengthy as soccer players maintain acting like pussies, our collective sporting attention will continue to be drawn to the NFL and other – yes, I am about to say it – true sports.

Cause #3: Playing referee throughout the game. The typical soccer player spends more time throughout a match with his hand in the air making an attempt to capture the referee’s focus than a rented mule tends to licking his wounds. How numerous times have you seen a player for the duration of this Globe Cup get caught out of place because he’s attempting to market a foul or an offsides call to the referee fairly than taking part in complete tilt?

Dudes, sufficient already. Just shut the f up and play.

Certain, this World Cup has been plagued by some large-profile, inadequate officiating. Who cares? That’s sports. Players are supposed to play. In American sports activities, we love the gamers and groups who out carry out the other. If they’re finding screwed by the officials, that’s even greater. There’s far more honor in overcoming and persevering than there is in whining and getting a dude in a striped shirt be the determining factor. Carry the honor again to soccer (see play acting, over), and maybe we care a little bit far more.

Explanation #four: Playing not to shed. What? Play for a tie? Totally, positively, undeniably un-American! The outdated declaring “a tie is like kissing your sister” is an aged declaring for a reason – it really is based in reality. Ties suck and no a single wants to see them. As considerably as Landon Donovan and his mates on the US team mustered up a bite-sized bit of enthusiasm for soccer this previous month, snooze fests like Brazil and Portugal’s nil-nil draw introduced it back twice as far. 1 action ahead, two measures back.

Everyone likes a winner. Several even adore the “lovable loser.” No one likes a neutralized, neutered “tie-er.” Our American sporting legends are possibly time-honored champions or equally as time-honored warriors who “went out swinging” or “carried out on their shields.” There’s honor and glory in both profitable and dropping. In among, absolutely nothing but regret – for playing, for viewing, for every little thing.

So, there you have it. It’s all so simple when you conduct scientific analysis and break it down to the details – four motives American culture will permanently reject soccer.

Change the game with some small adjustments, and the tune may well be sung in different ways. Until eventually then, I’ll observe the ultimate on Sunday and overlook about soccer for one more four years. It is not like I’ll be missing a boat load of action. In those four years, there’ll probably be only twelve to 14 ambitions scored.


At least that’s this guy’s viewpoint.

Tweet your soccer hatred @RayHartjen.

About the Author

Ray continues to offer up heaping spoonfuls of acerbic social, business, and sports commentary, all the whilst why realizing greater.